It’s been more than a year since I posted here (apart from the last post which has been waiting in my drafts for several months). You might have guessed why by now. Yes, it did turn out I was pregnant, and now I’m on maternity leave looking after little Chloe Archer.
I’d like to start posting in here again now because I need something to keep my mind occupied while caring for the little one.
There’s a lot that’s happened since I gave birth. I’m not sure how I feel about talking about it here in detail, but I will explain a little. About a week after the baby was born I started with something called postpartum psychosis. I had to be hospitalised in a psychiatric ward for ten days while I acted out whatever confusion my mind was in. After this I was moved to a mother and baby unit and Chloe joined me there. A few weeks later I was discharged and lived at home again.
I still have some residual depression which is very typical after an episode like I had. I’d say I feel quite normal in general these days. Now I’m just very keen to get back to work and be back to normal.
I go back to work two months today, but for me it can’t come soon enough. I know I’m supposed to enjoy this time with the baby since she isn’t going to be small for long, but she’s such a clever and a alert little thing that spending every day with her is massively draining. She’s also at a stage where she moans and grizzles pretty much constantly. It’s probably a good indication that she’s developing well, but it’s incredibly wearing.
Thankfully she does this thing called napping two to three times a day which gives me just a little bit of ‘me time’. She’s made me realise what a solitary person I am and what solitary hobbies I have. I really miss my time being my own. I suppose that’s all part of the experience of raising a child. I’m not just me any more, I’m also mum. But, oh, how I long to just be me for a little while.
Dave’s mom and dad have been stellar these past few months. They looked after Chloe while I was away in hospital. Every fortnight since then they looked after her over the weekend. It’s been a massive help to me. Unfortunately I still have to wait for the best part of two weeks before Chloe goes to visit them again. Eventually the time will pass. It’s tough now, but it’s not forever.
That’s the way I have to look at things; it’s not forever. Two months isn’t a long time. But it feels that way when the day stretches out so far. I just have to keep plodding on…
Plod, plod, plod.