I’m not really sure what to do or think at the moment.
What is clear is that I have a problem. After a few months of going at it again in terms of producing and promoting, I’ve come to the realisation I can’t hack it. I can’t handle feedback… of any sort. If it’s good, or nice, I assume it’s people humoring me because they don’t know how to tell me how bad I am. Or, if it’s negative, I think it must be true, even if it’s unwarranted, unreasonable, or thinly veiled as ‘constructive criticism’.
Seriously, I think a definition needs to be cleared up here. Constructive criticism is given by those that genuinely want to see a person do well, and continually improve in whatever it is they’re doing. Constructive criticism is not, however, just a well-worded insult. It’s not just an excuse to have your opinion gain some status, it’s not suddenly gospel if you bolt those two fabled words on the end. It’s not a haters escape clause. I think it should be made clear to my listeners that there isn’t a point they can make that I haven’t already considered.
Before starting again this year in the popular music vein, I was plugging away at experimental sound and installation art. In work like that, you have to explore myriad avenues as you will be under the scrutiny of the finest artistic minds in the locale. This has made me intensely paranoid and rendered me without a shred of confidence to call my own… But it does mean that if I’ve uploaded, posted, blogged about, tweeted, or doodled any scrap of an idea on this raging sea of mindless and endless information, it’s because I fully intended it to be that way.
So, may I ask kindly that the general populous stop with their pseudo-academic assessments of my work and actually *listen* for once. Listen, let it wash over you, try and get inside the meaning. I’m not looking to be some famous star, I’m just trying to get this stuff that’s in my head out into the ether and away from me. I don’t want it! I don’t even care if you do, you’re getting it, else you wouldn’t be reading this. I’m sick of being stuck in my own head, and this is the only therapy that seems to work, so don’t poke fun at the mentally ill.
Anyway… back to the beginning. No, I can’t hack it. Does that make you feel happy? I can’t handle words, comments, opinions. I can’t handle photo shoots, marketing, schmoosing, SEO, promotion, manufacturing. I have a few slender threads holding together my being right now, to the point where I could give up on doing anything barely creative for the rest of my life.
The choice is yours, people, because I’m leaving it to you now. If you want me to resign myself to a lifetime of success in the field of office administration, then you keep at it with your innane, self-important mumblings. Go ahead and mock the afflicted. Set yourself up as one bringing down another airheaded singer/strummer that thinks she’s famous because she’s on YouTube. Pretend you know what you’re talking about when you’ve never once taken a chance in your contentedly mundane existence.
I will sit in some dark corner of my own head if it will make you think I’m not like the others… But of course, you’d never see that, you’re too busy watching American Idol and Tweeting about the latest pandemic. I guess I shouldn’t care about all this… but I’m so fragile at all times. I’ve never been able to grow out of it – I’m just weak. You can destroy me right now. Go ahead…