The Late 20s Ritual

Every three months or so, a woman in her late 20s might go through the following thought process.

For she was due, but she was late, and every day that passes brings a new question.

Was it really supposed to be today?

Is it stress?

Was it illness?

Did anything change recently?

How many days before I can start asking the real question?

Am I, could I possibly be, is there a chance I am..?

Then, invariably, the day arrives and all uncertainty is dispelled. As well as any hopes you had that maybe your life was about to take on a new kind of meaning.

Of course, that’s a selfish thought. We are talking about a new individual, a separate, independent entity, not some cure for quarter-life crisis.

Still, it’s hard not to hope that it’s finally time to see that look in your husband’s eyes, time to use your body to the potential it has been granted, to complete the circle and try that whole motherhood thing for yourself.

It’ll probably be tomorrow, won’t it?

Song Seedlings and Proto-Rapping

Yo, peeps!

Husband-me-down band hoodie

Husband-me-down band hoodie

So, I’m chillin’ like the illest villain right now (because I’m actually ill), wearing yoga pants and a husband-me-down band hoodie, chewing gum and waiting for the Archer crowd to get home from my Grandad-in-Law’s 80th birthday party (happy birthday, Derek!).

I thought I’d take this rare opportunity of night-time stillness to have a little natter about what’s being going on in my creative sphere of late.

You may have noticed that I’ve started posting little snippets of songs up on my Soundcloud. The aim of making these is to practice my music production skills and to get me out of this self-imposed rut where I need  to be writing and releasing concept albums, deadline: never. It takes the pressure off since they’re just little sketches, and while I might be forming some complex future song in my mind’s eye, to the listener they are quick, fun little ditties that don’t take much effort to digest.

One problem I’ve encountered while doing this is that I’m veering sharply through the electronic genres and towards… *gulp* hip hop. Now, I’m certainly not unhappy about this development, but it has lead me into the very scary territory of learning to rap.

You may have heard some proto-rapping of mine on the Glitter Punch track, Candy Rock Funk. If Matt hadn’t immediately said he liked it when I had first recorded it and shown it to him I doubt I would have even attempted to write any sort of rap-like rhymes ever again. Of course, when I was laying down said rhymes, I like to think I was somehow channeling this ‘Sister Sparkle’ persona we made for me. But how do I learn to rap as ‘normal’ me..?

Tonight I’ve been mumbling along to yesterday’s Beta Male Beat. I have written lyrics for it (a few lines off finishing!), but I wonder if I’ll ever be brave enough to record what I’ve written – let alone post it publicly!


In fact, I wonder where all of my song seedlings are going to lead me in terms of stretching myself as a recording artist. There are all sorts of possibilities with sound and delivery that I will need to explore to make these songs flourish.

Oh, and just as an aside, I had quite a lot of interest in my instrumental for Anxiety Trip. This is a track I’m certainly looking forward to recording some vocals for! Just some good, old-fashioned singing this time around, of course…

Fairwell, sound-listeners!

A Few Weeks of Internot

Hi all… It’s been quite a while since I blogged. I’ve been trying to reevaluate the role of my internet presence and how it affects every day life in the ‘real world.’

A couple of weeks ago a took a two week break from all internet activity except what was required for my job. Before this I was spending far too much time online, mostly not even doing anything fun or of value. It was like I wanted to absorb all the possible bad news going on in the world so I could somehow learn to become immune to it.

But no. I am a Caryl. I do nothing but feel for the whole world and all the birds and leaves and raindrops. There is no amount of incoming media that could fully desensitise me. All it did was make me feel stressed and helpless, rendering me incapable of simple household tasks.

So I took a break.

I did an awful lot of sewing. Specifically, I continued with my hobby of patchwork quilt making. It gave me chance to regain some sort of autonomy.

It’s easy to feel like you have to agree with everything you read online, if it sounds reasonable, even if it’s against what you think. I felt like I had to change everything I think so I could fall in line with whatever ‘right’ is this week. Of course, this isn’t at all conducive to being a woman of faith. It does nothing but make me feel divided and ineffective.

However, that small break helped me get some confidence back about how much I can trust my own mind. Turns out, I can trust it a bit!

Here’s what else has happened since my last entry:

Moved house, meaning my little studio is now lying in bits/piles all over the spare bedroom :( Unfortunately this is delaying my recording tasks by a considerable amount of time.

Husband lost his job and most of his company, meaning I am also now looking for work!

Went to see Perfume in London and got to meet them with Matt (yes, yes! I’ll upload footage soon!)

Husband got new job that includes some training in something he’s wanted to do for years. Swings and roundabouts, eh?

I think that will do for now in terms of an update…

I have to focus on finding work now, so this week will see me reworking my CV once again and scoping out possible employment avenues.

My Little Studio Tour & Inspiration Board 2013

Hello all! I’ve left it a long time again, haven’t I?

Today I’ve been busy changing various bits on my official website,, namely my once disparate Discography that now has some semblance of order.

My Little Studio

Did I tell you? I’ve finished decorating my home studio, so now I have places for my many projects and supplies as well as space to record vocals and instruments. It’s a cosy little place and I enjoy spending time there. So much so, I might be inviting a certain friend of mine to help me with a song I have planned…

Take a gander!

Inspiration Board 2013: Reminder of the Endless Possibilities

I’m aware that is it now April and I still haven’t made an entry about my 2013 Inspiration Board. I’ve had it hanging there since early March, but have neglected to say much about it.

This year’s Board is much simpler in composition than my last, and more conceptual. It’s not about telling myself to do or do not. Rather, this board is designed to remind me of all the exciting possibilities art and music have to offer and all the exciting options I could explore if I would only START down a path.

Inspiration Board 2013

Reminder of the Endless Possibilities

It’s nice to finally have some confidence back about my work. I have enough now to actually function. This is down, in no small part, to the fact I’m finally doing something about my mental health. I’ve been on medication for moderate to severe depression for a few months now and things are getting better every week. I have the occasional bout of heavy fatigue, but far fewer thoughts of self-loathing or the longing to ‘disappear’, or worse…

While I read my old blog entries I’m struck by how obvious a diagnosis it would have been to say I had depression. I tried all sorts to jolt myself out of it, but at the end of the day, I simply didn’t have the power to make myself better. My brain and my body were at odds. No amount of will power or gritted teeth would solve the problem.

I’m much more relaxed these days. I can feel confidence and creativity creeping back into my system. There is light at the end of my eight year tunnel. No coincidence, is it? – that I should suffer from depression for eight years, and all the while have terrible trouble releasing music I was proud of, or indeed releasing music at all.

That time is coming to a close now. 2013 is a year of newness in many aspects of my life, not least my music.

I’ll be making my comeback very soon. Watch this space!

Inspiration Board Detail

Time to START

This blog has moved…

You can continue to read about all things CarylCake and Glitter Punch at my new website, All my old posts are up there too, so don’t panic!

I may repurpose this blog for something else in the future. We’ll see…

See you on the other side!


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 277 other followers